BY CROM...the Conan remake is pretty bad.

It was with a troubled brow that I took myself to the cinema on Monday past, and availing of the belfast telegraph's free cinema ticket offer (which I heartily endorse to the Norn Iron folk) sat down to see Conan The Barbarian 2011.

Based on the Robert E Howard novels from the 1930s, the original Conan The Barbarian holds a special place in my heart, and despite being almost 30 years old remains a classic fantasy film that introduced the world to the 'Austrian Oak', unless you're one of the lucky 6 people to have seen 'Hercules In New York'...

Aside from the obvious oscar worthy performance of Arnie, the original's cast included some fantastic character actors in James Earl Jones and Max von Sydow, who really bring 'the acting' to the production and invest a certain gravitas, and it is to director John Milius' credit that he ensures such performances don't jar with the fantastical setting. A truly wonderful soundtrack by composer Basil Poledouris also plays it part in carrying the film from beginning to end, that is simply epic in its scope.

It's cheap looking in places (witness the monstrous 60ft snake, made out of papermache, that Arnie 'battles' in a sacrificial pit) and it's politics, heavily influenced by Nietche's 'that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' philosophy, have been interpreted as a right wing salute to the benefits of having a bigger sword than your enemy. However...Arnie does knockout a camel, whilst acting 'drunk'. Wonderful.

Que comedic face dunk into soup bowl

This remake has been on the cards for over 15 years with various script being passed around Hollywood, varying from King Conan in 2003, which would have brought Arnie back to the role as an older Conan, weary of power and presumably wearing a few more clothes, to a PG shot-for-shot updated remake of the original film.

Which brings me to Conan (2011). The film starts reasonably strongly with the birth of Conan (Jason Momoa 'Game of Thrones') on the battlefield, with his father (Ron Perlman 'Hellboy') forced to carry out what can best be discribed as a medieval caesarian operation in order to save his newborn. The symbolism is sledge hammered home. Conan is born for battle. Year's pass, Conan is shown as young boy, a born warrior/psychopath, whose wildness his father struggles to temper.

Morgan Freeman of all people narrates random sections of these opening scenes, but is neither heard or seen from again after the first 15 minutes, presumably to go cash the cheque for a new summer house, this glorrified voiceover paid for. I sound bitter, but even after 'The Bucket List' I still somehow associate Morgan Freeman with a certain quality of film, and his involvement is like sticking a Ferrari badge on a Fiat Panda.

At this point the plot follow's the original fairly closely, Conan's village is attacked, his father murdered by evil warlord/sorceror Zym (Stephen Lang 'Avatar') and he's left to wander the land as a bandit for 20 years until the opportunity for revenge becomes apparent. The plot is wafer thin, Zym is weak and even when he *spoiler* finds the magic mask of doom that he murdered Conan's father to find, it doesn't actually empower him in anyway, and if anything, makes him completely useless. Lang can do better, as he proved as the war-mongering general in Avatar or the psycho serial killer in the excellent Michael J Fox/James Woods buddy-buddy flick 'The Hard Way' (which is well worth watching as the chemistry between the two actors is excellent, and James Woods manages to swear at a prodigious rate throughout!)

                                        James Woods would have improved Conan immensely.

The representation of the character is admitedly closer to Howard's creation, but there's no charm to him, which Arnie's version had despite or, perhaps because of, the ludicrous accent and Mr Olympia physique. Momoa has also tried to do something different in that he's a rogue, but comes across as a bit of a weasel, who only looks to avenge his father because of circumstance, not by desire.

This film is unbelieveably gory, to the point that it's actually off-putting, with each scene attempting to outdo the previous one, with arms, legs, heads and noses all being lopped off, throats slashed and skulls smashed against marble floors. The director Michael Nispel, responsible for remakes of 'Friday The 13th' and 'The Texas Chainsaw Masacre', has produced a brutal, one-dimensional rehash of the original film, that fails to build a story around the opening section of the film and settles instead for mindless brutality.

Even if you have no desire to ever watch either version of this film, due to a lack of Jimmy Choo shoes or period costume (unless you count loin clothes and horned helmets), you should check out the ingenious 'Conan The Musical', which brilliantly summarizes the whole story in under 3 minutes, incorporates actual dialogue and is just a damn good musical number.

And if you liked Momoa better than Arnie..."then to hell wit you!!!"